The Rules of Naruto
by shrieking minties 51
Summary: If anyone in any of the hidden villages ever asks you any question do NOT answer with the words 'because I'm a ninja'EDITED add your suggestions guys!
1. Haku is MALE, get over it

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: okay guys... this just demanded to be written... my friends and I were very bored during math class... and this is what happened... we all pissed ourselves laughing too**

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Stop trying to figure out what's behind Kakashi's mask. No really, just give it up.

"I've heard every possible joke about Rock Lee's eyebrows" is not a challenge.

Sakura should be shot

Ino should also be shot

If you ever attempt to hug Gaara, you are a complete idiot and should ALSO be shot

Simply because they kissed, save each other's lives on a regular basis, it is mentioned that they have a place in one another's hearts, have bouts of sexual tension in just about every episode AND one of them can turn into a girl, does not mean that Naruto and Sasuke are together. Although…

Sasuke is NOT a male prostitute. Leave him alone.

Gaara is a sex god. Not only this, but he is LEE'S sex god. Leave them alone

Stay away from Gai if you value your sanity

Stay away from Jiraiya if you value your virginity

Stay away from Gaara if you value your life

Gaara will steal you eyeliner

No, Naruto did not escape from prison recently, he chooses to wear _that_ jumpsuit

Don't attempt to wax Lee's eyebrows while he is sleeping. He'll hurt you

Don't attempt to remove Kakashi's mask while he is sleeping. He'll kill you

Don't attempt to put make-up on Sasuke while he is sleeping (as cute as he might look). He'll destroy any evidence that you ever existed

No, Gaara does not want an "eyebrow transfusion" from Lee.

"I've heard every possible joke about Temari's wind." Is not a challenge

Kankurou is allowed to use his puppet in battle. Kankurou is not allowed to use his "puppet" in battle.

The reason Gaara has the armour of sand is because he is a sex god and has the ability to make someone orgasm simply by touching them.

I will not call Orochimaru "medusa" or make any reference whatsoever to his "snake". That's just disgusting.

I will not call Naruto "foxy". Ever.

I will not sing Barry White every time Sasuke walks past

I will not sing "Eye of the Tiger" every time Lee walks past

I will not sing "Can't Touch This" every time Gaara walks past

I will not refer to the hidden sound village as "the emo farm"

I will not race Kakashi and Gai (though it is VERY amusing)

I will not tie Kakashi to a pole and leave him in the middle of a corn field (y'know… the whole scarecrow thing…)

Nor will I throw Iruka in the ocean (dolphin… I KNOW it's a lame joke!)

I will not slap Hinata every time she says "NARUTO" in the creepy orgasm voice

I will not randomly scream out "SEX!!!" simply to see the looks on Kakashi and Jiraiya's faces

I will not offer Kiba dog food, or ask him why he isn't chasing Kankurou

I will not offer Kankurou cat food simply because he wears a cat suit.

I will not offer Kankurou a new colour of lip gloss

I will not ask Kakashi how he eats through his mask.

Don't poke Neji. It's not worth it.

Don't poke Itachi. It's not worth it

Don't look sideways at Gaara. It's not worth it

Haku is MALE. Get over it.

Neji is ALSO MALE. Get over it

Neither Sasuke, nor Itachi, nor anyone else who possesses the Sharingan needs glasses, don't even think about offering them glasses

Contrary to popular belief. Lee is not trapped in the 80's. Nor is Gai

Contrary to popular belief. Zabuza is NOT Michael Jackson

Naruto's sensei's name is "Kakashi" not "Phantom of the Opera"

The kanji on Gaara's forehead means "love oneself" this has no reference whatsoever to masturbation (as far as we know)

Anyone who steals Naruto's ramen is either incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid. And will be labelled as such depending on whether or not they survive Naruto's wrath.

If you do not speak Japanese, please do not attempt to sing the theme song to Naruto

Whilst listening to the Naruto soundtrack song "Victory" I will not burst out and begin singing "WHAT A FEELING!"

I am not a master of the "love jutsu"

If ANYONE in ANY of the hidden villages EVER asks you ANY question. Do NOT answer with the words "because I'm a ninja!"

I am not a complete moron and so therefore will NOT attempt to remove Kakashi's mask at any given time, place or situation (wink wink)

"To have sex with everything that moves" is NOT an appropriate ninja way.

Don't ask Iruka "how do you keep a chuunin in suspense?" and then walk away. It's really mean.

Yu-Gi-Oh is not a ninja

Sasuke does not need YET ANOTHER stalker. Just leave him alone guys!

I will not offer Sakura or Ino hair extensions

I will not kill Konohamaru or his friends whenever they ask to "play ninja"

I will not ask Shikamaru what he looks at if there are no clouds in the sky

I will not offer Shikamaru sunglasses

… and if I ever do offer Shikamaru sunglasses, I will not steal them from Shino

Making fat jokes about Chouji is just rude and immature. And stupid if he is within earshot

Yes, we are all aware that if Kakashi and Iruka were to have an ass-baby, it's name would be Kakaka. Amusing as this may be, it's probably not a good idea to tell Kakaka's parents

Yes, we are all aware that Gaara's goard looks like a pair of female breasts. Amusing as this may be, it's DEFINITELY not a good idea to tell said Kazekage.

Sasuke is not Anakin Skywalker

… and Kakashi is not Yoda

There is no such place as "the village hidden in the imagination" and I am not the Kage of that village.

I will not ask Naruto or Gaara if they have the libido of a demon, it's just rude.

I will not ask Ino if she uses the "mind transfer jutsu" simply to make herself look more intelligent.

Does anyone really think that Sasuke would appreciate being turned into a chibi? No? Good.


	2. Sasuke is not a raven

Despite how many fangirls wish it were otherwise, you can NOT actually get pregnant from anal sex, especially between two men; this has been tried and tested by gay men for centuries and still haven't proved otherwise.

Never ask how Kyuubi's chakra gives Naruto eyeliner, he will eat you.

FEMALE foxes go into heat, MALE foxes do **not**.

Hiashi Hyuuga would NOT approve of Hinata dating Kiba, Shino, Kakashi, Gaara, OR Anko, any more than he would Naruto, and most certainly would NOT organize an arranged marriage with any of them. ALL of them are an equal threat to his clans' power one way or another (maybe not Kakashi…)

Lee and Gai ARE wearing spandex, it is NOT body paint.

Sakura has yet to exhibit a SINGLE redeeming feature

**spoilerIt has apparently been said otherwise that Yodamine is, in fact, Naruto's daddy. Well, there you go…Spoiler moving on… here is another rule to replace that!**

**Rule # 76**: Even though he may have black hair, a fringe that looks like wings and a (slightly unhealthy) taste for solitude, Sasuke is not, in fact, a raven.

Frogs have sticky, prehensile tongues, Jiraiya does **not**

Slugs leave a sticky trail as they move, Tsunade does **not**

Snakes...well… Orochimaru is now canonically a white snake mutant so everything applies.

If a rasengan can demolish trees, it can (and will) demolish flesh and bones, you can not shrug off a rasengan to the face.

If Rock Lee doesn't appreciate the song "Eye of the Tiger" being sung to him, then he will also NOT appreciate the song "Kung Fu Fighting" being sung to him. Just be nice!

The "Ultimate Naruto Fan Flashes", while true works of comedic genius, are not actual episodes of Naruto. These events did not occur in the REAL show. Hence, the word "Fan".

Spray Shino with insect repellant and he is likely to kill you. We strongly recommend you don't spray him with insect repellant.

Tell Orochimaru to 'bite me' and he probably will.

Never, ever tell an Uchiha or a Hyuuga to do 'the freaky eye thing'.

Referring to Sasuke as 'the avenger' isn't even funny the first time.

Making hand-signs really slowly and saying 'look, this is called a nin/ gen

JUTSU…' will not put you in Rock Lee's good books.

If Gaara would not appreciate the song "Can't touch this" being sung to him. He will probably kill you if you start singing the song "Enter Sandman" to him. Just don't sing to Gaara, full stop.

Raise your hand if you honestly think it's a good idea to call Kankurou 'Kanky-pants'.

Don't ask Sasuke what his favourite show tune is; you'll get a nasty shock when he answers seriously.

Gaara is not 'that dude off Welcome to the Black Parade' simply because he wears about the same amount of eyeliner. So don't tell him to carry on, carry on, though he's dead and gone believe you… it won't win you any points.

Yet another song to NOT sing to a Naruto character: Jitterbug to Shino. That would just be stupid.

Don't ask Gaara what happens when he goes to the beach.

Gaara is no relation whatsoever Jack Sparrow simply because they both "want their jars of dirt".


	3. Maito Gai, not Mighty Gay

Investing in a "Mrs. Uchiha" T-shirt line and selling it to the female population or Konoha is not a clever money making concept.

Nor is investing in a "Mrs. Hatake" t-shirt line and selling it to the women of Konoha

Nor is investing in a "Hang on! Gaara doesn't have a last name!" T-shirt line.

Calling Tenten "Eleveneleven" or any other number repeated twice is _**so**_ not funny.

Pretending to be Sasuke's girlfriend (or boyfriend) in front of either Sakura or Ino is nasty, cruel, horrible and we'll pay you millions of dollars to do it.

Don't create an "Uchiha death match" in which Sakura and Ino fight to the death for their love, and then hope they both succeed. Plenty of people have probably already thought of this…

"Chakra string bondage" is not an appropriate conversation topic with Kankurou.

If one is ever to defeat Gai or Lee in a battle, don't stand there with your middle finger in the air screaming "YOOOSH!! Feel the power of AGE!"…

… Or stick your thumb up, grin and yell "FUCK YOU!!!"

Don't ask Gaara or Kankurou for make-up tips, ever. Just don't do it…

Don't tie some random piece of cloth on your face, and then make everyone in Konoha decide which one is Kakashi. He is likely to kill you when you're not looking…

Purposely getting Lee drunk, while hysterical, is not what one would normally consider a good idea.

Don't ask Kankurou if he has a case of middle child syndrome… you might make him cry…

Humming the "Jaws" theme while following Kisame is only funny the first time.

Even though their feelings towards each other are quite similar, try not to get Itachi and Sasuke confused with InuYasha and Sesshomaru. It's a completely different anime after all…

Don't throw a pokeball at any of the "Naruto" ninja just because they all have special attacks. That's also another anime…

And before anyone asks… Gaara is NOT Sandshrew… or Sandslash (though the second name would be cool- wink wink).

… and also before anyone asks, Kankurou is not Mr.Mime…

Try not to get caught staring at Tsunade's boobs… she'll hurt you.

To all Harry Potter Fans: Rock Lee is not a 'Squib'.

… and Rock Lee's sensei's name is Maito Gai, not Mighty Gay


	4. Kisame: Not a seeing eye shark

**A/N: Many, many thanks to the following munchkins: **

**Chibi Kabuto, Medicinal Biscuit****, and anyone else I may have forgotten.**

**-For their much-appreciated suggestions. They may have been changed a bit, call it artistic licence **

**EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!!!! ****I've probably picked up some ideas from other thingies like fanarts/ fan comics etc; and I'm not claiming to have come up with those. And if any of you know where I got the ideas (because I've forgotten), please, please, PLEASE contact me and let me know who it is and so on so I can give credit. The names evade me… **

**Also; if the idea giver people don't want it up there, let me know X3**

Neither Gai, nor Lee want tweezers for Christmas.

If you ask Sasuke what his theme song is, he'll sing 'Emo Kid' to you.

If you've got a death wish, go do some 'reasearch' with Jiriya.

Deidara is not transsexual- he's just a girly man…

It's 'dattebayo', not 'believe it!'

Sasuke isn't coming back in a hurry, people. Naruto's gonna have to either drag him back on his ass, or kill him.

It is not a good flirting tactic to ask Sasuke why he never stops using the 'sexy no jutsu'.

Pinnochio jokes about Sasori aren't even funny anymore…

I will stop referring to the Akatsuki lair as "the bat cave"

I will also stop following Itachi around singing 'na-na na-na na-na na-na psycho!'

It's not OK to paint the Japanese kanji for 'hate' above Gaara's right eye…

If Sasuke doesn't sing 'emo kid' to you when you ask him his theme song, don't suggest he starts singing 'crawling' by Linkin Park… that joke's getting old too…

I will not introduce Orochimaru and Lord Voldemort to one another, ever. (and Harry Potter doesn't want a ninja headband with a lightning bolt on it).

I will not, whenever Sakura goes to speak to him, screech out 'SASUKE' in an extremely loud, high pitched (not to mention annoying) voice.

I will not finish all of Naruto's sentences with 'dattebayo' just to see how angry it makes him.

I will not tell Neji to 'get a haircut, you hippy'

I will not refer to Zabuza's main weapon as 'his big-ass sword'

I will stop refering to Suna as 'the sand sculptor's dream'

'Brow thievery' is not a real criminal offence. Plus, no one saw Lee do it…

I will never refer to Gaara's unleashing the power of Shukaku as 'going to beddy-byes'

'I've heard every possible joke about Deidara's hands/mouths" is not a challenge.

For the first- and last time; Kisame is NOT a seeing-eye shark.

There's no such thing as an 'Akatsuki ball'.


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